This last week, I found myself using a new phrase that I had never before uttered in my 27 years of existence: "my daughter." It seems unremarkable, I know, but like so many other firsts that I have experienced since becoming a mother, this one had a surprising impact on me. Of course, I have referred to Anna in conversation long before now...usually as "the baby," or just "Anna." However, "the baby" is fairly generic...I mean, really, it could be anybody's baby, right? ;o) And "Anna" is an idea that has been around long before I saw her chubby cheeks for the first time and tied that beautiful little face to the name.
But "my daughter" means that she is forever and irrevocably *mine*...and in turn, it also means that someday *she* will say that I am her Mom. It gives her an identity that she never had before. Beginning to use these words now is probably the result of her beginning to coo and communicate more, and having more of that little (or possibly big) personality shining through every day. She is already becoming a little person in her own right, with her own opinions.
In saying the words "my daughter," I suddenly flashed forward 30 years in the space of a single breath. She was starting school, she was learning to read, learning to drive, dating (omg), she was graduating high school and college with honors (what can I say, my flash forwards are elaborate), getting a job, getting married, having a baby of her own and then all of a sudden I'm a grandmother and and and and...thankfully, my mind ended it there.
I felt old and young all at once...I was no longer one of "us kids" who think their parents are older than we'll ever be. Suddenly, I was the parent, and I was old in everyone's eyes by my own. At the same time, I had a rush of admiration for my mother, and for her bearing the weight that society puts on women with such grace. For the first time, I saw her as a young mother, holding me and caring for me and realized she was never old...and still isn't.
I looked at my 3 month old baby girl and saw in her the amazing potential and sheer, unspoiled determination that we all begin life with and I felt proud...and sad...and all the myriad emotions that come with raising a child.
Amazing the power that just two little words can carry, and how they can suddenly illuminate to you the weight and measure of the adventure that you have just embarked upon by becoming a parent.
That same day, a friend of the family sent me these two matching bracelets; one for me and one for Anna. A simple and beautifully symbolic gesture, and I will treasure them always. I hope that someday she will look at them and smile, noting as I did how small hers is and wondering how her wrist could ever be small enough to fit inside it, just as I now wonder how it will ever be big enough to keep it from falling off. And later, if she is blessed with children of her own, I hope she looks at them and sees how she is me and I was her and understands how much of a gift she has been in my life.
But "my daughter" means that she is forever and irrevocably *mine*...and in turn, it also means that someday *she* will say that I am her Mom. It gives her an identity that she never had before. Beginning to use these words now is probably the result of her beginning to coo and communicate more, and having more of that little (or possibly big) personality shining through every day. She is already becoming a little person in her own right, with her own opinions.
In saying the words "my daughter," I suddenly flashed forward 30 years in the space of a single breath. She was starting school, she was learning to read, learning to drive, dating (omg), she was graduating high school and college with honors (what can I say, my flash forwards are elaborate), getting a job, getting married, having a baby of her own and then all of a sudden I'm a grandmother and and and and...thankfully, my mind ended it there.
I felt old and young all at once...I was no longer one of "us kids" who think their parents are older than we'll ever be. Suddenly, I was the parent, and I was old in everyone's eyes by my own. At the same time, I had a rush of admiration for my mother, and for her bearing the weight that society puts on women with such grace. For the first time, I saw her as a young mother, holding me and caring for me and realized she was never old...and still isn't.
I looked at my 3 month old baby girl and saw in her the amazing potential and sheer, unspoiled determination that we all begin life with and I felt proud...and sad...and all the myriad emotions that come with raising a child.
Amazing the power that just two little words can carry, and how they can suddenly illuminate to you the weight and measure of the adventure that you have just embarked upon by becoming a parent.
That same day, a friend of the family sent me these two matching bracelets; one for me and one for Anna. A simple and beautifully symbolic gesture, and I will treasure them always. I hope that someday she will look at them and smile, noting as I did how small hers is and wondering how her wrist could ever be small enough to fit inside it, just as I now wonder how it will ever be big enough to keep it from falling off. And later, if she is blessed with children of her own, I hope she looks at them and sees how she is me and I was her and understands how much of a gift she has been in my life.
4 comments:
That was so beautiful and I went through the same thought prosses when I first said "my daughter" Children are a true blessing and as they get older and start throwing their little fits and you want to pull your hair out your reminded that this will pass and how its still a blessing because they have to learn somehow and you just want to go and give them a big hug and tell them how much you love them and that will never change.
beautifully said! I find myself at the same state, just in awe of all mothers, especially mine own all the time now. Thank you for putting it into words.
The bracelets are beautiful. I received one recently with Millie's name on it and wear it often while at work so she's always "with" me.
It honestly made me look at her entirely differently after I referred to her as "Mandy's daughter"... I felt this sense of responsibility to her that I didn't before, and I'm not even one of her parents. Amazing the power of words. It's a good thing I have a little more time to practice being a role model.
Then there is the first time you hear at the dinner table,
"and when I have kids you'll be grandparents!"
(Sophia Ocker 5)
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